GREG GUTFELD: Disastrous opening for ‘The Marvels’ is a message to Hollywood that ‘ultra-woke’ doesn’t sell

Happy Monday, everybody. So there’s a new Marvel movie out, and apparently it sucks. I haven’t seen it yet because, as you know, I have better things to do.


The new flick is courtesy of Disney, who owns the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but the real marvel is how each movie they put out is getting worse and worse. The next superhero should be The Incredible Shrinking Box Office, because their latest offering ‘The Marvels’ was the worst opening for a marvel movie ever, even worse than Iron Man versus Little Women. Oh, they got destroyed in that. Now, in this universe, women are as physically strong as men. I’m talking actual women now, not the ones with 5 o’clock shadows who can pee their name in the snow. But today, entertainment is now secondary to diversity and every cast must be as colorful as a bag of peanut M&Ms and twice as nutty. 


It’s the universe, according to Disney. Unfortunately, that’s the only universe where this crap is a hit, and it’s a universe that more and more audiences find as entertaining as counting the liver spots on President Biden’s thighs. So, as Hollywood’s numbers drop like Nancy Pelosi’s boobs on a hot day, they keep trying to get us to see movies with a message, but are they getting our message? Have they finally realized that most of us would rather be dry shaved with a cheese grater than spend 25 bucks being scolded by a virtue-signaling cartoon? Apparently not, because with ‘The Marvels’ Disney has produced a movie so bad, it makes Hunter’s cocaine boogers look like art. Do we have a clip of the movie?


I mean, technically, that is dog ****. Yeah, but the reviews for the flick have been brutal. Apparently, the problems include the script, the acting, the casting, the plot. 

Aside from that, it’s a masterpiece. It’s so bad the theaters are making grief counselors available to viewers after the film. It stars the ultra-woke Brie Larson, who’s never made a movie you’ve seen, and she stinks so bad her first name shouldn’t be Brie, it should be Limburger. Am I right? Some say she’s a piece of ass. If that piece happens to be her head.

ANNOUNCER: A sexist would say!

But that’s beside the point, really, because she considers herself to be a gender activist, which to the woke means: All men are awful, unless, of course, they’re carrying a purse and a Bud Light. Apparently, her superpower is making talent invisible. As far as the script and the rest of the cast, who really cares? Marvel focuses on good moviemaking the way “The View” focuses on cutting carbs. 


Yeah, the woke idea of making all the superheroes a group of fully diverse females beating people up as if they’re guys was based on the assumption that there is an audience for that. Well, maybe if they’re the U.S. Women’s soccer team. Speaking of, Megan Rapinoe, played the final game of her pro-career on Saturday. It ended with her on the sidelines with an injury. In the post-game presser, she decided who was to blame and, of course, it wasn’t her.

MEGAN RAPINOE: I mean, you know, I’m not a religious person or anything and if there was a God like this is proof that there isn’t, because this is ****** up. So, yeah, it just, it’s just ****** up, because it’s like 6-minutes and ****** my Achilles, I mean, what the ****.

So her injury is proof there’s no God. I would argue the contrary. Yeah, an injury during her championship game is proof-positive that God is alive and well and has a kick-ass sense of humor. You go, God. But this is wokeism in a nutshell. Megan got far on her woke credentials, but when that ran out, what are you left with? Blame. Once everything is stripped away. There’s no grace or humility. Just a jerk blaming God or no God. It’s the yoke of being woke. You expect the world owes you something and you, in turn, owe no gratitude. But when the woke welfare wears off, all that’s left is an insipid sermon, and that’s movies today. 


The problem is the audience these producers and directors thinks exist, it doesn’t. That’s because the audience doesn’t think like your average Hollywood producer. They aren’t cowards like them. Audience want a good movie, not phony virtue signaling from a bunch of elitist P.C. ass wipes trying to appeal to a select group of outraged activists. You want proof? It’s in the numbers. Has anyone noticed that women flocked to see ‘Barbie,’ but not ‘The Marvels’? Barbie made $1,000,000,000 acknowledging that women would go see a movie about a doll. A doll. They wait to see a movie about a doll. That’s because whoever made it must have actually had a childhood and recognize that biology dictates preferences and that most girls left alone will play with dolls. Well, some guys too, but those dolls are made in Japan and need to be inflated. 

I don’t speak for myself, but while girls played Barbie, boys played army or superhero. Sure, Barbie mentioned patriarchy a few times, but that was so the producers could check the woke box, but women flocked to it, and they loved it, even if the inspiration was a character made out of more plastic than your average Kardashian. So ‘The Marvels’ is the biggest bomb yet and Disney loses millions, pretending women would pay to see it. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a Brian Kilmeade book. Nobody’s buying it, but as it turns out, thank God women and men aren’t attracted to a movie with a message that has no creative or artistic value. Propaganda is like porn. You know it when you see it. 

So, as long as Hollywood puts work before work or a decent script with good dialogue, a solid plot, memorable characters, we’re just going to skip it. But lucky for all of us, there are more pleasurable ways to spend your day, like a root canal and IRS audit and even tonight’s show.

For more Culture, Media, Education, Opinion, and channel coverage, visit foxnews.com/media.


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